One Situation Two Separate Stories

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Sometimes two people can be in the same situation and come out with two different stories and two completely different experiences. Most of the time it's subtle and the stories mostly match up. Other times they're so different the two of you might as well have been on different planets.

What happened, or from my perspective what didn't happen, is an incident I was present for (or was I?) but only found out about second hand. As the story goes, I was riding on the T (Boston subway) and an old friend of mine, who I hadn't seen in about 15 years happened to be in the same car.

He saw me but, I didn't see him. However, he thought I saw him. He thought that I looked right at him and then looked away. He thought I purposely ignored him. Now, since I didn't see him, I certainly did not ignore him. In fact, I had no idea it even happened until nearly a year later when I was at a party with some mutual friends. He had told them all the story of how I had coldly, blatantly ignored him on the T. 

I was shocked by this news. I had no idea what they were talking about. I couldn't imagine when this would have happened as I rarely ride the T. I did finally remember a time about a year ago when this could have happened, but I was completely unaware of the supposed incident my friend had described. 

I began to think about how ridiculous the whole thing was. Then I started to get really annoyed. I realized that my "friend", with whom I had rarely ever disagreed on anything let alone had a fight or any ill will, jumped to the conclusion that I had ignored him. 

For all intents and purposes he was having an experience by himself. Whether I was actually there or not (maybe he just saw someone who looked like me) I didn't have any awareness or really any part of the experience he was describing.

Sadly, without any input from me, instead of giving me the benefit of the doubt, he made up a story. A story which existed solely inside his head. A story he believed so completely that he decided it was truth and told this story, about what a bitch I was to him on the subway, to everyone we know. A story which, as far as I know, never actually happened. 

Recently, I sent a FB friend request to someone I know. After a while, I noticed that she had been active on the site, but she hadn't responded to my request. When I saw this, I started to get a little upset. I started to feel hurt that she was ignoring me. I started to feel myself accusing her of being fake when she said that she wanted to connect with me online.

Like my old friend on the T, I started making up a story. When I realized what I was doing I stopped. I didn't want to be like him. What he did was unkind to me and probably felt pretty awful to him. A real lose-lose situation.

I took a deep breath and decided to give her the benefit of the doubt. Maybe she didn't see my request. Maybe she saw it, but got distracted/interrupted before she had a chance to respond. Maybe she changed her mind about connecting (I admit, that one would bum me out, but if that's how she feels, that's OK). 

Here's what I'm not going to do: start running around to all our mutual friends telling them she's a rude bitch who ignored me. The truth is I don't know why she didn't respond and I'm not going to make up a story about it. It just is. As I write this I can't help thinking of the Mel Robbins book, The Let Them Theory (aff. link)

Now, if this was someone close to me, I would talk to her and ask about it. Until I got the chance to have that conversation, I would give her the benefit of the doubt. I would not stew over it. I would not complain about her to others. I would not make up a story that jumps to the worst possible explanation. Again, I would give her the benefit of the doubt and let it go until I had the chance to talk to her myself, calmly, openly and leading with curiosity rather than accusations. 

Taking this approach can be challenging. It takes practice, but you get better at it over time. In the end you'll have more peace and better quality relationships. Win-win.

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